People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
