i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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