saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
