I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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