I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize