he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
