So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
