I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
