she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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