I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
