Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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