My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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