Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize