I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
