I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
