Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
