You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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