two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
