I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
