I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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