I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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