Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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