Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
