I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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