Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
