we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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