So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
