it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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