I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
