D3 body, D1 cock
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
