Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
