dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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