need another drink. this is the easiest way
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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