Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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