I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
