I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
