I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
