I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
