I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
