I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So apparently I’m into choking now
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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