We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
