Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
