Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
