I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
