doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i came on her dog
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
