What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
where are my eyebrows?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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