How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
