Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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