I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
