yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
