Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
