fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
