this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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