omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
