I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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