i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
