when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
