LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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