whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
