He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
