it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
